Brian visited me last night. The hows and whys and whats of it are not important to anyone but me, nor are they really anyone’s business, but he came. His presence was clear and it involved all my senses. I could see, hear, taste, touch, and smell him, although I wasn’t using my eyes, ears, mouth, hands, or nose. So strange how that can happen, but believe me, it can.
As I laid down to go to sleep, he was still there, taking up the entire room. I started talking to him. I told him how much I love him and miss him, I told him that I am going crazy without the moon. I asked him where the moon was, and then I asked him what happened on that horrible night. I closed my eyes and Brian began to tell me the story. He has told the same story to a few of our friends, although in different manners, but let me be very clear: Brian is talking and he’s telling his story. I knew exactly what he was telling me. Things became clear. He told me and I believed him.
This morning I spent time on the phone with the lead investigator and the medical examiner. I asked questions and listened to what they said and it caught my breath when they told me almost the exact same thing that Brian told me last night. Almost exactly. You have to remember, they might never truly know, they are putting pieces together, so there was a very small subtle difference, but it was tiny. So tiny, in fact, that I kind of giggle because I believe Brian’s story and am just now waiting for them to figure it out. It feels almost like a game, a game I know Brian would enjoy. Holy hell, once a prankster, always a prankster!
I will stop right here and tell you that I will NOT be discussing what happened. I will not be discussing what Brian told me nor what the investigators have said. It is personal and private and it is his story – and now mine – and while I know many of you love him, it’s frankly none of your business at this time. Do not ask and do not speculate. Have respect. Just know this: Brian is clear and free and still around and, now that I have been broken open and have finally been blessed with his presence in the privacy of our bedroom and our home, he will come back, he will talk to me, and I will believe him.
Grief is a fickle bitch. One minute you think you’re doing okay and then the next minute you’re on the floor sobbing your guts out through your nose. I was honestly laughing with my kids and working on lunch and then before I knew it I was crying so hard I threw up. No warning. You’d think I’d be used to that by now. I haven’t had warning for anything at all since November 25. Anyway, it became clear that something needed to happen. I needed to get my kids out and do something, I decided to take them to see “Rise of the Guardians” in 3D. While I had seen the trailer for this movie about 10 times, wasn’t exactly sure what it was about, but I knew a few things: 1) it was kid friendly, 2) it started within an hour, and 3) I could wearing those big black 3D glasses and sit in a loud, dark, anonymous room and cry undetected. Good enough.
I don’t walk to talk too much about the movie because I honestly want you all to go see it. It is a miracle in a movie theater, at least for me, my children, my mother-in-law (who went with us,) and all who believe that Brian still runs with the moon. The moon is a HUGE figure in this movie and it is the primary guardian for all of the other guardians (Santa, Jack Frost, the Tooth Fairy, the Sandman, and the Easter Bunny.) At one point in the movie, they talk about how the “guardians” are the guardians of children, but children must believe in the guardians or else they lose their power, they begin to disappear. “In that way, you see, you are guardians, too!” I looked at my children and saw their beautiful eyes light up in wonder, their grief stricken faces awash for the first time in a days with hope, with their own answers, with something they could believe in.
I nearly drowned in my own tears.
The movie closes with a full screen shot of an ENORMOUS full bright moon. The usual closing chatter goes on by the main character for a minute or two but the final words of the script, the final words spoken, the final message sent is this:
“When the moon tells you something, believe it.”
You betcha.Keep running, Brian. Keep shining, keep playing, keep talking. I will, as always, believe you.