#365yoga Day 35: Growing Wings of Forgiveness

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Well, she did it again.  Judith Hanson Lasater is right inside my brain.  Not sure how she does it, how she got there, but there she is, sitting pretty and sipping tea and showing me how it really is and that there really is nothing new under the sun and that we are all in it together. She’s also up there giving me permission to use long, complicated run-on sentences, so there!  Thanks, Judith.

From A Year of Living Your Yoga:

February 4: Become a larger container for spirit.

Living Your Yoga: [snip] …  imagine yourself with a bigger heart, and from there bestow your generosity.  [snip] … give your long overdue forgiveness.

This sat me down on my ass fast and hard.  Kablam.  Knocked the wind out of me, knocked my feet out from under me, knocked me on the noggin’ and said, “HEY SARAH, IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW, THIS IS FOR YOU.

My life was turned upside down a year and half ago.  A very long, very deep, very important relationship I had ended abruptly and badly.  It was honestly one of the most painful things I have ever experienced and, while we both moved on, there was no resolution, no peace, no understanding.  I dealt with it by ignoring my feelings, ignoring my pain, ignoring my confusion and shame and guilt and anger and grief and all the rest.  But I also ignored the huge number of years of love and laughter and connection and friendship and trust and life and learning and compassion and joy that we shared.  Ignoring wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t helpful.  I moved on and made huge professional affiliations and new personal friendships and I grew as a person, but there was always a hole in me that was not getting worse, but wasn’t healing, either.

As time went on, my feelings became less intense.  I had forgiven my friend.  I had stopped feeling anger towards her and resentment towards her.  I sincerely hoped she was doing well and was happy.  On paper, it looked like I had moved on and that things should be smooth sailing, but I hadn’t and they weren’t.  I couldn’t look at pictures or hear certain songs or eat certain foods or drink certain drinks because it made me almost double over with that feeling you get in your gut when something is really really really not okay.  I didn’t understand it.  If I was no longer angry, if I knew that I missed her and would welcome a chance at reconnection, if I had forgiven her, what was punching me in the stomach?

I had forgotten to forgive someone else.  I had forgotten to forgive myself. 

When the student is ready the teacher appears, so they say.  My teacher was a moment a few weeks ago when my phone chirped signaling a text message.  It was my friend.  That moment was my teacher.  I was ready and it appeared.

I have slowly started the process of forgiving myself for my part in the Falling Out (to borrow a phrase,) and it’s helping.  I feel that when I forgive myself, I am able to be more present and more appreciative with and of my friend (we’re rebuilding.)  I can really hear her now because I’m not so busy trying to shut up that inner voice screaming that I don’t deserve another chance or whatever.  When I can be okay with me it is SO much easier and lovelier to be okay with others, to “be a larger container for the spirit.”  I feel wide open, huge hearted, and eager to give more to my friend, others in my life, and myself.  I have to say, it’s a wonderful, freeing experience.

Where you can you grow bigger in spirit, in heart today?  Who can you forgive? What can you release? Try it.  It might start as your yoga for the day, but I’ll bet it quickly becomes your yoga for life.

Namaste

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2 responses »

  1. Recently had the same experience with a friend. We are rebuilding as well.

    Learning to forgive myself and not be angry has been hard really hard for me. I’m glad I’m not the only one.. hugs to you mama!

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