Something is happening. I sense changes and growth. I sense healing. I sense purpose. JHL knows what the heck she’s doing, I’m telling you.
20 days in and we’ve been through “just being,” “accepting,” “loving,” and now we’re actually doing the big bad F word: “Feeling!” Oy vey. Do I have to?
I’m really good at being angry, being happy, being indignant, self-righteous, elated, motivated and inspired. I’m not really good at being scared or hurt or embarrassed or ashamed or vulnerable. I’d rather run – and I don’t run unless a very pissed off mammal is chasing me. I almost always turn to anger instead of feeling pain or sadness. It’s easier for me – but it isn’t correct, isn’t helpful, and isn’t really honest.
Judith Hanson Lasater has an incredible post in A Year of Living Your Yoga for today, January 20. She wrote it, she gets all the credit, it’s in her book and you should buy it. This is what she says for today:
Yoga practice allows the pain that is already in us to be experienced.
LWhen you practice your poses today, do not think of the gentle discomfort you feel as a problem. Remember that the tightness in your muscles is just your suffering trying to get out
I have some suffering, long buried suffering that needs to get up and get the hell out. I have spent many years bringing it up and playing around with this suffering, giving it life and power to drag me down because it was easier to deal with that particular known pain than the unknown pain of healing and moving on. I’m done with that. I’m ready to put on my big girl britches and shove that shit right out. The only way I know how to get big jobs done is to work hard, so I rolled out my mat and got to work.
I spent a long time today doing the Mandala Namaskar. I wrote about it yesterday and thought it would be good for me to do again today because I tend to get out of my head when I’m doing the same mandala for a long time. I stretched, I bent, I made it big. I opened my heart, my hips, my mind. While I felt myself loosening up, I also felt resistance in areas. Instead of pushing through, I let it rise and hurt. I let it grow and ache. And eventually it eased and slipped away. I think that’s what is supposed to happen! After about 25 minutes (and my 8yo snapping pics) I decided to reward my emotional strength with some physical strength moves as well. I love Astavakrasana. It requires every bit of my muscles to use their strength. More stuff came up and dripped out of my toes and into the ground through my palms and out of the crown of my head. And then, when I was done, I rested and continued to heal.
Tomorrow I will probably be a little sore. I can deal with sore. When I’m not trying so damn hard to avoid pain, I realize that some sort of hurting does feel sooooooooooo good.