I pinned that image to my board “What They Said,” and thought YEP, I AGREE WITH THIS TOTALLY!  You see, my budget has been wildly overdrawn as of late. I suppose it’s more accurate to say that it had been.  I am currently trying to get out of the red and in to the black.  It’s a process and I have come to see, however, that the person writing the bad checks on my account wasn’t always who I thought it was.

I read this lovely piece today by the incredible Anna Guest- Jelley and was smacked right upside the head with a dose of reality.  I haven’t been doing my morning pages.  I haven’t  been sitting as much in meditation as I know is good for me.  I haven’t been spending as much time on my home mat as I know is helpful to me.  This is a pattern with me.  I start and maintain a lovely practice in all three of those areas for quite some time and then, somehow, for some reason, I start to let it slide.  I forget.  I skip it.  I cut things short.  I say, “Tomorrow.”  What I realize is that it’s a circular pattern.  I start when things are bad and write until things are good and then I stop.  OR conversely, I start when things are good and then, when things take a downward turn, I decide I don’t want to look anymore and I stop.  In typical yoga fashion, I have to go in both directions, don’t you know?

All of this rambling to get to the point. I know, a lot of words leading up, but remember the journey IS the destination, so stay with me.  After reading Anna’s post today, I grabbed my journal and starting writing.  I wrote about the feelings of failure I have for starting down the journaling path and then stopping.  But then I realized something : it’s not failure because I keep coming back, I keep starting again.  Okay then.  I moved on to things I was worrying about.  I realized that most of those things are tiny, insignificant problems and there are solutions to them all, so no need to worry.  Alrighty, moving on…

But I didn’t want to move on.  I hit a wall and I essentially wanted to plug my ears and close my eyes and start singing, “La-la-la-la-la!  I cannot hear you!  La-la-la-la-la-la!  I cannot see you! La-la-la-la-la!”  The big thing was waiting there, hiding somewhere between my fingers and my pen and I didn’t want to free it, didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to examine it.  I had no choice, though.  It was there, it was waiting and it wouldn’t go way.

I made the painful decision to forever exclude someone from my life a few months ago.  Now, people do this all the time with friends, co-workers, acquaintances, hell, even spouses, but I chose to do it with a member of my family of origin.  It had been a long time coming and the final straw came on Thanksgiving and the Ustrasana broke right in half.  Enough.  This person made almost zero deposits into my account and yet continually withdrew as much as they wanted without warning, without permission, without any thought to what it would do to me or my family.  I bounce back and forth between saying it’s not their fault (this person has severe mental illness,) and saying it’s totally their fault (this person continually refuses to treat the illnesses and repeats the same hateful, hurtful,destructive patterns over again.)  It doesn’t really matter, this issue of fault.  Pain is pain and I had had enough, so as horrible and final and hurtful as it was, I cut the ties that bound us.  Interestingly enough, this isn’t the part I didn’t want to look at.  This isn’t the part that I was avoiding.  THIS isn’t what I was hiding from.

What I didn’t want to face was my part in it all. Not anything that I might or might not have done (if you know anyone with severe and untreated mental illness, you know that there is nothing – ever – that you can do,) but I didn’t want to face my part in my feelings.  It was so easy to just blame everything on the other person – the pain, but also the relief when it was gone.  Today I faced the truth of it all – and it was ugly.  The truth is that, when dealing with this person, I often did feel superior.  I often did feel better than.  I often did  feel self-righteous and, at the same time, incredulous.  I told you it was ugly.  Far uglier, in fact, than the feelings of pain this person inflicted upon me.  The relief I am feeling, I came to see this morning, isn’t the relief from this person’s actions, but relief from the pain of my own nasty, unyogic, unbalanced feelings.

I thought I was freeing myself from another person’s insanity.  I was wrong. I was freeing myself from my own.

I have closed that account. No more checks will be written, no more debts to be had.  When I think about the things that happened,   I still feel pain.  I still feel anger.  I still even feel resentment.  I might feel those things for a long time.  It’s impossible to eradicate over 20 years of pain in a flash, but I believe it will start to fade, little by little, as the space between us grows, like a town blurs into the distance as you drive into the horizon. When the pain and the negative emotions arise, however, I’m starting to be able to let them come without putting my own ugliness on them.  I don’t have to feel superior to survive the pain.  I can simply feel it, acknowledge it, and move on.  I can stop digging myself deeper into debt.  I can start to, maybe eventually, see this person with compassion.  I can hold firm to my boundaries.  I can prevent myself from getting into the red again.  I can forgive because forgiveness is not about the other person.  As someone said, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” (I think it was Oprah, but she heard it from someone else, so I’ll stick to ‘someone who isn’t me.’)  There is nothing that can be done to change what has happened and it’s very likely that, should I continue to let this person into my life, the future would never be any different than the past, but I can stop mourning what never was and start living in the moment, as things are, without the pain, without the ugliness.  I can balance my emotional account, one journal, one look inside, one meditation,one deposit at a time.

Namaste

Where I dreaming lay amazed
When the secrets all are told
And the petals all unfold
When there was no dream of mine
You dreamed of me

RIP Betty Landreth(ONW)

Ah yes, it’s that time again, time for The Best of Columbia.  Yoga Sol is nominated for best yoga studio and I’d really like your vote!

I admit, it feels a little strange asking for votes for the best yoga studio.  I mean, it doesn’t seem very yogic.  Let me tell you why it would be wonderful for us to win, however.  If we win (or have a high standing,) we can use that to bring more yoga opportunities to you.  There’s a higher likelihood of getting fabulous guest teachers, workshops, courses, and other awesome opportunities (remember Michael Franti, anyone?)  A vote for Yoga Sol is really a vote for you!  Yoga Sol is your studio – help us make it simply the best!

Voting ends January 10 at noon.  Don’t miss out!  Please and thank you.

VOTE TODAY Yoga Sol is #84

Who in the world would have thought a book about soup would turn out to be so widely popular?  Why not “Oil Changes for the Country Singer’s Soul, “Hedge Trimmings for the Single Parent’s Soul,” or even “Laundry Folding for the Nearsighted Soul”? What exactly is with the soup?  I mean, we all need oil changes, our hedges trimmed, and dear maude, my laundry always needs folding.  What’s so special about soup? I suppose it’s because when we know that someone is hurting and there’s nothing else we can do, we can feed them.  We can nourish them.  We can show our love with a casserole, a pie, and yes, a bowl of chicken soup.  When we know someone we care about is in need, we all turn into Jewish mothers.

I have been sick, very sick, for a long time.  I would have days of feeling much better and thought that I had kicked this illness in the ass, but then within 36 hours, it would be back with a vengeance.  After about 6 weeks of being sick (and a few trials and medication,) I finally got a decent diagnosis and multiple prescriptions.  24 hours into treatment, I’m feeling better than I have in several weeks, but I know I still have a ways to go.  I’ve been living my life from my nest of pillows on my bed.

Our neighbor, ONM, has been a rather interesting part of our life since we bought this house.  I have written about him on this blog before  and nothing about him has changed, except maybe that we are closer to him than ever.  ONM has a wife, ONW.  They have been married for 37 years.  She views my sons as her grandchildren.  She views my husband as her son.  She has survived more in her life than most people would ever survive in 3 lifetimes. ONW is ONM’s whole world – and her hospice worker said today that she has between 2 weeks and 2 months to live.When I heard about ONW, I got out of bed and immediately went to my kitchen to make them some food. I didn’t think about it; it was an automatic response.

The 15-20 minutes it took me to assemble a casserole and put it in the crock pot wore me slap out and I retreated to my nest. No sooner had I gotten back in bed than my husband came into the bedroom asking me if I had ordered take out.  Of course I hadn’t ordered take out!  He left to send the delivery person away, but returned a minute later with bags and bags of food: one of my dearest friends had ordered a feast and had it sent to my house so that we can have a nice meal without me having to cook.  It brought great, huge tears to my eyes.  There was enough to feed my family for 2 or 3 meals, but I will say this:

It will feed my heart for a lot longer.

I suppose that’s what it’s all about -feeding the heart.  I know that is why I teach.  I teach to feed others’ hearts and to have mine fed in return.  I teach to soothe aches and to dance with joy and to share moments of comfort and elation and growth and humanity.  I teach to be there in the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, in sickness and in health, until the soup pot runs dry.  I suppose that is why there hasn’t been a Chicken Soup for the Yoga Soul: it’s too detailed of a recipe and everyone’s heart gets filled by different things.

Here’s a few things I have come across in my time in my nest that have soothed this yogini’s soul.  Maybe they’ll fill yours, too.

Beautiful flowing handstands done by a woman who is 9 months pregnant.

The McYoga Sutras, Chapter 1: Self Absorption

“When you speak badly about someone, you eat their Karma, when you think badly about them you drink it” – Robert True

Why I’m Dropping the Fight to Love My Body

Sh*t Yogis Say, A Comeback Special

And an all time favorite:

Sickest Buddhist

Soup’s on!  Enjoy.

Namaste

2012: The Year of Living Intentionally

I cannot believe it is day 365.  Seriously?  It’s been an entire year?  Unbelievable.

I won’t go into a year end recap.  I find them trite and, honestly, 2011 has been one of the hardest years I’ve had in recent memory.  There have been many lessons learned this year, though, so for that I am grateful.  Sometimes lessons come at a hefty price and sometimes they hurt.  A lot.  Other times they come wrapped in a bow and arrive with chocolate and champagne.  I know which avenue I prefer, but you know, The Universe doesn’t ask us how we want to learn – it just gives us the opportunity (opportunities) to learn and to grow.  It’s up to us to step up to the plate and say YES, I’m ready.

Don’t get me wrong – there have been many amazing moments this year. I have been blessed beyond measure and if laughter were dollars, I’d buy the entire world a comedy club.  I have been places and done things I have never been or done before.  I have gotten the chance to sample the flavors of friendship and family (some, I am here to say, aren’t so palatable, but others are so delicious they make my toes curl in delight!) I have given to others and had others give to me and every morning I have woken up on this side of the dirt, so I think I did okay.

The #365Yoga journey was my constant companion and, as such, so were all of you who read this blog.  Every single day, I was aware that my yoga is a lifestyle, a way of being.  It carried me through the rough times and it also danced with me in the times of joy.  I learned much from this amazing journey and it is one that I will continue for the rest of my life, 365 days a year.  I hope that you will all join me on this path of love and light and learning and laughter and lessons.

I look back on 2011 with a sense of awe and gratitude, and I look forward to 2012 and the adventures it will bring.  I hope that you will share your experience with me – leave a comment and tell me all about it, eh?  I mean, we’re in this together, right?

What an amazing journey – thanks for keeping me company!

Namaste

Transitions – Beastie Boys

Looking Back on Love – Lenny Kravitz

Chums – Heitor Pereira

Stand – Lenny Kravitz

Shambala – Beastie Boys

Let Love Rule – Lenny Kravitz

Ricky’s Theme – Beastie Boys

Fly Away – Lenny Kravitz

Sambrosa – Beastie Boys

My Precious Love – Lenny Kravitz

Groove Holmes – Beastie Boys

Be – Lenny Kravitz

Namaste – Beastie Boys

This Moment is All There Is – Lenny Kravitz

Dream – Lenny Kravitz

Total Running Time: 58.59

Right after the St. Louis Cardinals won the world series this year, I made this playlist. It is for power flow type classes, it’s fast and fun and will leave you sweating.

SERIES YOGA

Waterpocket Fold by Hot Buttered Rum

You Got the Music in You by Radicals

Everyday People by Sly and the Family Stone

Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth… by Primitive Radio Gods

Angel of Harlem by U2

Virtual Insanity by Jamiroquai

As by Stevie Wonder

Watching the Wheels by John Lennon

Shine On by The Kooks

With My Two Hands by Ben Harper

Beast of Burden by The Rolling Stones

I Love You and Buddha Too by Mason Jennings

Killing Me Softly by The Fugees

(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding

Love Song by Adele

Total Running time: 1:05.24

I was inspired by a video of Elena Brower doing yoga on the beach with her son.  The song in it made me smile so much, I made an entire play list from it.

THE GIRL WHO DOES YOGA

Within You by Ray LaMontagne

Dogs by Damien Rice

Jolene by Ray LaMontagne

How My Heart Behaves by Fiest

When Your Mind’s Made Up by Glen Hansard

You’re the World to Me by David Gray

Staralfur by Sigur Rós

I And Love And You by The Avett Brothers

The Luckiest by Ben Folds

La Cienega Just Smiled by Ryan Adams

Society by Eddie Vedder

Gatekeeper by Feist

Lies by Glen Hansard

Sea of Love by Cat Power

Cold Water by Damien Rice

Total Running Time: 1:07.13

I like to use ambient or trance type music in Long Hold yoga, but occasionally I like to mix it up with more popular choices.  This playlist has served me well in long hold as well as in Gentle and in some Level 2 classes.  Guaranteed to make you yoga stoned!

OPIUM YOGA

Stay in My Heart by Wah!

A Gentle Dissolve by Thievery Coorporation

Maha Deva by Wah!

The Glass Bead Game by Thievery Coorporation

Aqualung by Morcheeba

Tonight the Ocean Swallowed the Moon by Sound Tribe Sector 9

Opium by Wah!

Shine by Afterlife

Sure Thing by St. Germain

Unconditional by Wah!

Part of the Process by Morcheeba

Better Day by Sound Tribe Sector 9

Guitar Flute and String by Moby

Gone by David Holmes

Total Running Time: 1:02.58

It’s gift giving time again! The stores have been packed with harried people hunting and pecking for this toy or that toy, people have maced each other over flat screen tvs, there’s a waiting list a mile long for a few video games, and more people than you can imagine have maxed out their credit cards all in order to buy the “perfect” gifts.

I knew I was a grown up when I honestly and truly did begin to believe that it is much better to give than to receive.  It shocked me the first year that I realized that I didn’t really care if I got anything at all, but was overwhelmed with excitement at the thought of my loved ones opening up the gifts I had for them.  I have been blessed enough in my life to have received amazing things wrapped in pretty boxes and paper, but what makes my heart really dance with delight is seeing the shine in someone’s eyes when they accept a little piece of my love and affection and appreciation.  It truly is better to give than to receive.

That said, I am human.  Although I no longer expect them nor do I request or need them, I do like receiving gifts. I’m very lucky – I get gifts all the time!  Don’t be jealous – you do, too!  The trick is to recognize them.  Here’s a hint: they don’t always come wrapped in paper or with bows.  All you need is an attitude of gratitude and you’ll soon see that you are surrounded by gifts.  Be present to see your presents, you dig?  Here’s a few of the simple gifts I have received lately for which I am eternally grateful:

The gift of moving on.  When you have done all that you can do for / with / about a person or a situation and nothing seems to change, it is a gift to acknowledge that you have done all that you can do and then allow yourself to let it go and move on.  There is freedom in self-preservation and occasionally, freedom in goodbyes.

The gift of care.  I have been sick.  Kind of sick for quite a long time, really sick for several days.  I knew it was coming, but I’m stubborn and determined and, like a fool, I pushed through it only to have it come and bite me in the arse with a vengeance.  Eventually, I had no choice but to stop.  I had to start practicing self-care.  Part of self-care is accepting care from others.  I have been blessed with the care of my sister teachers at Yoga Sol who have covered my classes when I am too sick to teach.  I have been blessed by the care of my husband who lets me sleep in, spend hours in a steaming hot bath so that I can breathe, who has made meals and driven kids and rubbed my back.  I have been blessed with the care of my mom who watched my kids, brought me OTC medication, and offered love and support. And I have been blessed with the care of my friends who offer to bring soup, to send meds, to make me laugh through the yuckiness.  When I see each one of you, I see a bright red bow on your head.  Thank you.

The gift of a good deal.  Our refrigerator broke over a year ago.  It started freezing up and then leaking all over the floor.  It ruined produce and anything else that was in its ugly path.  For more than a year, we thawed everything out, tore the fridge apart, used every redneck repair you could imagine, and kept it limping along.  Refrigerators are expensive, folks, and when you live on a cash only existence, the idea of buying one is enough to make you lose your appetite.  2 weeks ago, however, it became abundantly clear we couldn’t keep kludging along; we needed to buy a new one.  We looked at used appliances and in the classifieds, but ultimately decided that we’d rather shell out the big bucks once than to shell out a little bucks every few months to keep buying used appliances.  We found a simple but adequate top-freezer fridge for $725 in a store.  As we were on the way to the sales person, we found a larger, higher end, side-by-side  on clearance because it a) didn’t have a box, and b) had a slight dent in the door.  It was $10 less! We very excitedly approached the sales person and told him of our desire to purchase this clearanced appliance (don’t we all have a little ding in our doors?) As he was ringing it up, he mentioned to my husband that he had a brand new, still in the box, even better model in the store-room that was $200 cheaper.  WHY was it so cheap?  Because it was white (no one buys white anymore – except us) and it was a model from June, so they weren’t putting it on the sales floor anymore.  It’s value was $1100.  Including tax and delivery, we paid $570.  Now, the sales person didn’t have to tell us about this deal.  And, if we hadn’t decided that a little ding in the door was okay with us, he’d never have known that we would consider a side by side with ice and water in the door.  Because we were willing to accept less than perfect, we got even more than we imagined we could and we paid even less than we had planned.  There’s a lesson there, folks.

The gift of perfect timing.  I love my husband.  Period.  Part of loving with him comes with dealing with and, to some extent, supporting his obsessions.  He doesn’t have many, but the biggest one he has is with Classic Toyota Landcruisers.  He LOVES them.  He bought his first one not long before we got together 12 years ago and hasn’t been without one since.  And by classic, I mean classic: his first one was a 1983 and his current truck is a 1985. I don’t get it.  They are old.  They require a lot of work.  They rust.  They fall apart.  They get horrible gas mileage.  They are also awesome, fun, and I cannot for the life of me think of a better suited vehicle for my husband.  But, like I said, they fall apart and they require a lot of work.  His current truck is due for relicensing and it probably won’t pass inspection as it is.  He has been stressed out about putting more money into this truck.  He wanted to find another one to buy and sell his (you wouldn’t believe Landcruiser nuts – they will by a burned out frame for $1000, for goodness sake.)  He hunted and searched and knew that, come December 31, he’d have to stop driving his truck.  Yesterday he got a phone call – someone he had been “truck courting” agreed to sell his 1986 (a’well, we’re movin’ on uuuuup.)  He’s picking it up tonight.  The timing couldn’t be more perfect, the negotiated price is acceptable, and my husband can finally breathe easier.  Believe me, he might be getting the truck, but I am getting the gift.

The gift of creativity.  I have been blessed with many things, but the one I love the most is my sense of creativity.  I like to give many gifts to my friends and family, but our budget doesn’t always allow for it.  This year, I am especially excited about 2 of the gifts I am giving.  They are perfect for the recipients, they are thoughtful and practical and really are perfectly designed for who the recipients are.  And neither of them cost me a single red cent.  I am grateful for my creativity – which also came to me for free.

The gift of saying “No.”  This is a new one! As i mentioned, I have been sick.  Last night was the annual huge blow out holiday party at my husband’s company.  It is always a big ol’ deal and people get crazy and wild and have a good time.  We had arranged for childcare, I had killer shoes to wear (my main requirement,) and had been looking forward it — until it got close to the time to leave.  I am sick.  I didn’t feel like going.  My husband isn’t feeling too well, either, and he didn’t feel like going.  We looked at each other and agreed – we wanted and needed to stay home.  So we did!  Another example: Every year we have been together, we have traveled on Christmas Day to visit his family.  We have always hated it.  We have children and it’s a huge pain in the ass to ask them to stop playing with their new toys to get in a car and drive out of town to visit people who drive us batty (us being me and my husband – the kids love them.) We decided this year that we would say, “No” to the trip out of town on Christmas Day.  We’ll make it the day before, but on Christmas, we are staying in town.  The sense of freedom is overwhelming! Who knew that a 2 letter word could open up the whole world?!

I could go on and on… the gift of gratitude, the gift of time, the gift of sleep, the gift of love, the gift of laughter… Gifts are EVERYWHERE and most of them don’t cost a dime.  All you have to do is look, accept, and say Thank you. This the gift to be simple.  Tis the gift to be free. Give and you shall receive.

What I needed today.  And every day.