I cannot believe it’s the end of February already. Seems like I was just sitting around thinking about ways to make the month pass more quickly and came up with the 28 in 28 challenge. March starts Monday – how is that possible?
In the last 27 days, the light has come out. It’s golden and warm(ish.) Trees have buds on them and there are brave green heads poking up through the ground. I awaken to the sound of birds every morning and the days are getting longer. Spring, indeed, is coming.
I am going to say right here and now that I may have failed my own challenge. I say, “May” because, to be honest, I’m not sure it was ever possible to fail at all. I did not get on my mat every single day, although that was never part of the deal. I teach several classes a week and sometimes that means teaching as many as 3 a day. There are times when my body needs a rest. So, on those days, I didn’t practice… asana. I made it very clear that I didn’t expect everyone to practice asana every day, but somehow, I had that expectation of myself. This is just one of the many lessons I learned this month (more on that later.) While I didn’t always practice physical yoga, I look back on the month and realize that I did something yogic every day. I sat. I read. I learned. I listened. I loved. I laughed. I explored myself and challenged long held beliefs that were, often, held for a long time simply because they’d been there forever. An unexamined life and all that.
Big things happened for me this month. Yoga Sol opened (shout, Polly!) I faced Sirsasana 1 head on. I found a really cool way to bind balancing half-moon. I finally “mastered” Dancer. And maybe most surprisingly, I discovered that I hadn’t mastered Tadasana after all these years and then finally found my way to my perfect Mountain (although I have to work very hard every day to get into an active Mountain and not fall back into my lazy standing there looking like a goober Mountain.) I got a massive tattoo of my favorite mantra on my arm. Big things.
HUGE things happened in the space between my ears. Once I managed to get the hang of Sirsa 1, I started doing them every day. LOVE Sirsa 1 now. The day I got the key to Yoga Sol, however, I did my practice at home and had a full blown panic attack while preparing for Sirsa. My heart raced, I felt like running away, I started to cry. What the hell was going on? I stayed with it, pushed through the fear (FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real) and made it up. I held it for 2 minutes and then spent 15 minutes in Balasana crying my eyes out. WTH? I eventually started to talking to some of my yogi friends about it and they helped me to see that I was fearful of seeing things in a new way. I was struggling with seeing myself as a successful yogini (Polly mentioned Yoga as my career which is everything I want, and yet also so real and grownup and … possible!) Realizing that, talking about it, and working through it has made me stronger. I still get a little shaky, but I get through it and I get up. With that strength behind me, I had two classes at Yoga Sol on the schedule last week and will teach 3 this week. I love it. It’s beautiful, it’s sacred, it’s peaceful, it’s home.
Part of taking part in Yoga Sol meant that I had to quit teaching a class at the gym. It was the Monday morning class that I never felt a connection with. The room is challenging and the students had various levels of commitment. It was hard to teach. Not nearly as hard, however, as quitting it. I don’t do terribly well with confrontations and speaking up for my self worth and desires. I had to continually remind myself that I wasn’t happy with that class and that I will be so much happier at Yoga Sol and, most importantly, I’m responsible for my own happiness. Deciding to quit that class was the easy part. Telling my boss was not so simple. I wrote and rewrote several drafts and never felt comfortable with anything. Eventually I ran a draft by my mentor and was told, “You don’t have to explain yourself. Just say that you need to drop that class. PERIOD.” Gobsmacked, I was. I realized that 1) I have been looking to others for validation. 2) I placed other peoples’ opinions and needs above my own. 3) I don’t need to explain myself. 4) My needs are valid. 5) So are my wants. WHO KNEW?
While I was riding that revolutionary train, my PC bit it. A month or so ago I replaced the hard drive and, while it worked for a bit, the fact is that the sucker was doomed. I broke the news to my husband: we’d need a new computer. I have wanted a MacBook for years. YEARS. All of my computers have been PCs and they’ve all been desktops. The idea of getting a laptop of any variety thrilled me to no end, but something was gnawing at my gut. I’ve been saying, “next year” for a Mac for the last 5 years. All the “ah ha!” moments that came to me during 28in28 came all together in one BIG Ah ha! moment: every time I said, “Next year” I was really saying, “I’m not worth it.” o: I was putting myself last if I was even considering myself at all! What the hell? The realization was nauseating and I admit to taking to my bed for awhile while processing that one. When I got out from under the covers, I took a breath and ordered what I have wanted for years and years. I’m happy to say that this post is being typed out on my own MacBook. (please excuse the editing – I am just now learning how to use the darling thing!)
Validation comes from SELF. Check.
I am deserving. Check.
I can work through fear. Check.
I can do Sirsa 1. Check.
I can rock Dancer. Check.
I am whole. CHECK CHECK CHECK.
Om Namah Shivaya.
It has been an incredible journey and I’m so glad to have gone on it. I didn’t fail. I succeeded. Hell, I did more than succeed: I SOARED. Thanks for coming on the journey with me. I am worthy. I am valid. I am capable. I am becoming.